God, Grace, and a Wretch Like Me

MountainPose

Grace.

It was the word the yoga instructor asked us to think about moments before starting our 90 minute practice on Thanksgiving morning. This annual, Thanksgiving class is free, but donations are accepted to benefit a nonprofit organization and this year it was Yoga Behind Bars. Yoga Behind Bars is a charity which teaches yoga and meditation to an incarcerated population. A representative spoke  about the amazing work they do, and how teenage girls in particular are benefiting the most from their efforts.

I sat in the back of a police car twice when I was teenage girl. The first time was for under-aged drinking, and the second was for trespassing. Not my finest moments, but neither was most of my teenage years. The years from 14 to 19 are my “lost years.” Back then I struggled mightily with depression, anxiety and impulsive, reckless behavior. I spent all those years hating myself for no particular reason, and at least that many more hating myself for the things I did while I was hating myself.

How I wish someone taught me yoga as a teenager.

The word Grace unfurled in my mind like my mat under my feet. The first thing I thought was Redemption, followed closely by Forgiveness. But for the Grace of God go I.

I met God for the first time when I was 16.

Early in life, religion was a concept no one told me to seek, and yet, I found it anyway. Perhaps more accurately, it found me. I started going to Wednesday night youth group at a local Presbyterian church when I was nine not because of my parents, but because my best friend was going. For four years the two of us attended weekly classes, sang in the children’s choir once a month, and went to week-long camps in the summer. But a Christian, I was not.

In high school I attended Christian-based Young Life meetings. I even hosted one at my parent’s house. This had less to do with Jesus and more to do with socializing. When I was 16 I raised enough money to attend a week-long, overnight, YL camp in Colorado–also for the socializing. It was at this camp, perched on a roof top high above a blacked out canyon, under a Colorado starry sky, where I met God for the first time.

My modus operandi was to be where the party was—it was always my number one objective. So too, were the fun activities listed on the brochure like repelling, rafting and horseback riding. Because that’s the deal with these things—they attract you with fun and then slip in Jesus-talk at the end for which you must sit quietly and tolerate.

Each night after dinner, the whole camp came together and the main preacher dude stood up to tell us everything we needed to know about being saved. I was skeptical, but also superstitious and naïve, so I listened, restlessly. At 16 I hadn’t made up my mind on all things existential and I had yet to find proof of a God. But if you asked me back then, I would have said OF COURSE Jesus is my personal savior… you know, just in case the rapture was coming soon or I be perceived as a social opportunist with no intention of saving my soul from eternal damnation.

One night the preacher dude said something that penetrated deep into my thick, self-assured, adolescent brain. He said (paraphrased), “The only thing you have to do to have a relationship with God is ask. It’s that simple. Ask and thou shalt receive.” Oh really?!? replied my snarky, skeptical, brooding 16-year-old-self.

That night, I took his bold assertion and made it my personal test of God. I’d ask him, alright. I’d ask as honestly and bravely as I knew how. I’d ask just like the preacher dude said I should ask and God had better bring it or I was taking one step closer toward eternal damnation. That’s what I remember thinking.

Each night after the Jesus-talk was over we were sent out into the darkened camp to find a quiet place to reflect and/or pray on what we heard. I usually headed for the small concrete slab in the middle of camp designated for the under-aged smokers—us sinners on the accelerated path to hell. But on that night, I chose to climb on top of a building that sat on the edge of a cliff side. The cliff dropped off into a large gulch with mountains stretching up either side like sentinels to a cave. The stars dusted the sky like perfectly spilt glitter. I looked down into this deep, black, v-shaped gulch and up into this bright, celestial sky and I asked, quietly.

Then I listened, openly.

My whole body responded in a way that I have never forgotten. An abnormal peace washed over me—abnormal because at that time, I had no awareness of what peace felt like. It felt like a tuning fork struck the deepest part of me and resonated with a pitch-perfect sound of Universal Truth. I understood, without thinking, that this feeling was real, and it was a hint of the Truth I’ve been seeking my whole, young life. I also understood, without thinking, that on a deep, intuitive level I was loved–that I would always be loved and watched over—that even in my darkest hours, I would never be alone.

What I felt in that moment is what I call God.

It is only in hindsight that I can interpret what happened that night. Now, I understand that it was the divine combination of my intention, the stillness of time and my mind along with the openness of my listening heart which allowed me to not only hear God speak–but to understand what God was saying. I sobbed. I knew I was changed forever.  It would take years before I truly understood how, and years before I would feel it again.

I feel it now each time I go to yoga.

In this special Thanksgiving Day class we sang Amazing Grace. Grace. The one thing I have been offered so many times no matter how much I have failed. That thought and the cacophony of our voices together in that yoga studio overwhelmed me. The tears, just two of them, came so quick they did not linger on my lashes, but leapt from each eye and fell straight to my mat. My mat. My church. My holy place. My rooftop perched high on a cliff side below a starry sky.

It has taken years to realize that I have been given, and forgiven, so much in my life not because I asked for it—but because I learned to open up and listen to what God was trying to teach me. I have come to realize that the answers to all my questions, the calming of all my fears, the peace I so long for every day, lay there quietly in the silence of my open heart. It is that voice that I am still learning to follow. Always.

Silence: how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

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9 thoughts on “God, Grace, and a Wretch Like Me

  1. Wow.

    Just wow.

    I knew when I found your blog, there’s something in your experience and writing that speaks to me. And every entry I’ve read since only increases that certainty.

    Only I’m older than you, and theoretically should be wiser, but on this — I am so not.

    So I’m going to read your words. I’ve never found peace, or grace, and I know all about anxiety and its hand-maiden depression, and regret for actions taken out of reckless self-hate, and oh, let’s not even talk about self-hate itself.

    I search for what you’ve already found. Part of my search is what led me to your blog to begin with, and definitely what keeps me reading. So, anyway — usually it’s the older that inspire the younger, but in this case, the opposite seems to be true.

    So thank you for so eloquently sharing your experience with these things, particularly grace, because I think my soul hungers for it, but doesn’t know how to find it. Yet.

    I will, though. I think beginning the search had to happen first, and it will follow, somewhere, somewhen!

    • Linda, your comment humbles me to no end.
      “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Those are wise words spoken by a bear which proves everyone is capable of great wisdom. ;-)

      Never underestimate what you know. If something led you here, it will also lead you wherever you want to go.

  2. I can’t say it any better than Linda did. Wow. I think in some other life you and I were closely related. :-) Great writing–I love this.

  3. I totally agree with what both Linda and DD have said.

    I just have to add that this beautiful post moved me to tears … but in a good way!

    Thank you for sharing such a profound and life-changing moment with us.

    I’m not “religious” but I DO believe in God and have been blessed by the same experience of Grace that you have described so eloquently. I’m sending you love, my kindred spirit! <3

  4. Pingback: Rage Against Everything: My Secret Addiction to Anger | Shannon Lell

  5. Pingback: Practice Does Not Make Perfect | Shannon Lell

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