Ha! What a hypocrite I’ve already turned out to be and I’ve only published one post! From the moment I pressed that blue and white ‘Publish’ button I’ve done nothing but fret over all the people NOT visiting my site. I updated all my profiles to include my website and even posted two tweets how could no one, as in not ONE person visit? Nevermind that I only have 28, whoops, make that 27 followers. And nevermind that I didn’t post it on my Facebook wall because let’s face it, that’s where everyone I actually KNOW would see it. For someone who just wrote over 1000 words on her own fear that was a scaredy-cat move if I’ve ever seen one.
But today someone actually clicked through to my site and I promptly began to panic. Like a proud new parent pulling back the blanket on their newborn I waited for the positive feedback to come rolling in. Then… nothing. I looked over my site, checked and rechecked the privacy settings and then re-read (for the frillionth time) all that I’d written. That’s what actually brought on the panic attack.
I did what anyone would do suffering from a shortness of breath brought on my anxiety… first I took a few deep breaths, then ate a piece of cheese and sat down to correct what must be the #1 first-time bloggers mistake of all time. Too much, too soon.
Who on Earth is going to read 2600 words about my personal crisis and who am I to assume they would? Who is going to read 1000 words on my stupid fear and why would I think anyone would care when I’ve never done anything to make them care? Don’t get me started on how many times I edited these words. When you spend so much time mulling over words they start to mean a great deal to you. Problem is, you are the only one. What a self-absorbed jerk I was being.
The lack of feedback ruffled my ego feathers and when I realized that, the tightness in my chest began to release. I reminded myself (for the hundredth time) that in the end what still holds true is that I have a dream I’m in the process of accomplishing. This is just one step in the process. If I’m going to get my ego feathers ruffled because no one cares about my first blog post, well then I’m in for a world of hurt when I go to query agents.
So this turns out to be just another lesson in toughening up my skin and listening to my heart. Whew, I’m glad that’s over. Now I’m regretting the cheese. Oh well, I suppose one personal development revelation is enough for one day. I’ll tackle the cheese tomorrow.